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Butt of Course

By Cathy Plourde

Commissioned by The Knox County Coalition Against Tobacco and Mainely Girls

Copyright 2001 by Cathy Plourde
PO Box 3853, Portland, ME† 04104
Phone:† 207-653-1756† Email:† cathy.plourde@att.net

 

The first performance of Butt Of Course was held at the Camden Opera House, Camden, Maine March 9, 2001.

It was featured at the Mainely Girls 8th Annual Conference:† One Incredible Day!.† The original cast included:

Selena Addie Price
Kelly Laura Currier
The Intelligent Observer Amber Dickey
Lab Rats Laura Cornell, Christine DeMichele, Nicole Emery
The Activist Kelsey Butler
The Quitter Kristi Williamson
Toni Carissa Dickey

CHARACTERS

(Note:† This script is originally written to be performed by girls, but with the exception of Selena, the Activist and the Quitter, the roles could be played by either males or females with simple pronoun changes -- notice the gender neutral names.)

SELENA* Smoker.† Snazzy and cool.† And a snob.
KELLY† Non-smoker.† Flannel shirt and jeans -- not as upscale looking as Selena.
THE INTELLIGENT OBSERVER Style and charisma.† Cool and knows her stuff.† Think one of scroogeís ghosts.
LAB RATS (3) Lots to do!† These three work as a unit, with some choreographed scenes. Think chorus.† White coats.† Funky big glasses, maybe with pink lenses.† Club clothes underneath.
THE ACTIVIST* Gets grief for being anti smoking, and has lots of experience with the effects of tobacco.
THE QUITTER* Struggles with quitting. She is real, and smart, and doing her best.
TONI Middle school.† Feisty and smart.

 

Set:†
Hanging drop that has flap windows and slits for entrances (see below).† Leave just enough room in front of the drop to let the action happen down stage -- donít put the drop too far upstage!† The style is mod-retro 60ís, with funky colors and flowers and peace signs.† Higher up are openings for INTELLIGENT OBSERVER and for KELLY built into the design, perhaps as flower centers.† Needed behind the drop are cubes or steps so that the openings can be used.† In front is a bench.† It is helpful but not necessary if the Intelligent Observer can access the audience space easily from the stage area.

 

Props:
Backdrop
5 giant cigarettes (mailing tubes, mailing envelopes wrapped around end to make the filter butt)
Easel with flip chart and wide markers (pre-penciled in text makes it easy for the lab rat to trace the figures quickly).† Maybe pointers.
4 banners (see script for whatís written on them)
Non-breakable poison containers.
Selenaís shoulder bag and cigarette pack, two cigarettes.
Toniís school bag, notebook and pen, pamphlet with quit tips.

 

Music:
Music really helped pull the audience into the play.† You need three songs--instrumental, and cool sounding.† We used techno, with quick beats that made it easy and funny for the lab rats to move around.† The chemical section that the lab rats do was more industrial sounding than the other two. †


Backdrop:

While this drawing isnít exactly to scale, it should give an idea of what was envisioned.† The top two flowers have open holes for their centers; the middle flower and the two dots are flaps that open for the lab rats to pass the giant cigarettes and to pop out for lines.† The color pallette of the original drop, which, at this writing, is available for use (contact Mainely Girls, 69 Elm Street, Camden, ME† 04843† megirls@midcoast.com†† 207-230-0170) was 60ís mod and fun:† A bright orange background.† Dots are purple sequined material.† Center flower is magenta pink with a yellow multi center.† The slit for entrances has a hot yellow drape sewn in.† The stage right flower, with the open center, has a crazy multi pattern, and the stage left open center flower is a metallic liquid spring green color, with a yellow accent band.† The height of the drop is about 10í 6" and the width is about 15 Ď.† There is a hem on the top for a pole or a rope to be inserted for hanging.† At the bottom, itís suggested a dowel or lathe be inserted for weight and for stability. †

backdrop

The four banners, which may also be available for use, are 10 to 15 feet long, depending on which one.† Paper scrolls could be substituted.† It made an impact on the audience to leave them hanging throughout, once unfurled.


AUDIENCE IN PLACE
TECHNO MUSIC UP
HOUSE LIGHTS OUT
STAGE LIGHTS UP

(The LAB RATS poke heads out of the flaps, one at a time.† Their movements are herky-jerky, and silly.† The two on the outside start passing giant cigarettes to the one in the middle.† The MUSIC stops when they are done.)

(SELENA enters from SR, looking in her bag for matches -- sheís got her pack of cigarettes in hand.† She may need to sit to dig in the bag.† KELLY† walks by from SL, and SELENA calls out to her before she leaves the stage.)

SELENA:

Hey -- do you have a light?† (KELLY is startled, just realizing sheís being talked to.† She gets more awkward throughout, and canít seem to regain her footing.)† A match?† Lighter?†

KELLY:

Um, no, sorry -- I donít --

SELENA:

Hey youíre in my study hall, arenít you?

KELLY:

Period three? -- yeah -- I --

SELENA:

Iím Selena.

KELLY:

Right.† Iím Kelly.

SELENA:

Hey, want a cigarette?† (She is not being pushy, just friendly here. Quietly, the INTELLIGENT OBSEVER gets into her perch.)

KELLY:

Ah -- † (Trying to play it cool.)

SELENA:

Whatís the problem?

KELLY:

Nothing -- itís just -- well, I am surprised that you are a smoker.

SELENA:

Why does it surprise you? -- (No words can come from Kelly.)† You donít smoke or something?

KELLY:

No, no, I do, itís just, ah --

SELENA:

Oh.† Are you trying to quit -- ahhhhhh, fahgedahboudit---whatís the use, right?!

KELLY:

No, itís just that Iím on my way to work --- and if I stop and smoke now, Iíll be late --

SELENA:

Well here, take one with you.

KELLY:

No, thatís okay --

SELENA:

Someday when Iím out, you can just owe me one.

KELLY:

Oh, yeah -- that would be great, because I am out, and since Iím late, I wonít have time to pick any up -- † Thanks. (Has taken one.)

SELENA:

No problem.† Well, Iíve got to run -- Iím going to be late, too.† I promised my friendís little sister that I would give an interview for some class project.

KELLY:

Right.† Good luck.† I hope it goes well.

SELENA:

Iím not sure what the interview is about, but itís just a middle schooler -- I donít think Iíll have a problem.

KELLY:

No, no, I didnít think youíd have a problem -- interviews make me nervous is all.

SELENA:

I bet.† See you in study hall.† (She leaves.)

KELLY:

(Calling out as in a goodbye.)† But of course!

KELLY:

"But of course!" What was that?† I donít think Iíve ever said "But of course" in my life.† (Looks at the cigarette in her hand, looks to see anyone is around.) Now what?† I donít smoke.† Why did I say I do?† "Iím out and wonít have time to pick any up" -- what a crock.† (She looks at it, smells it, thinks about it.)

I could just smoke it to see what itís like, you know -- Itís just one cigarette.† It doesnít look like it will kill me.†† (She puts it in her mouth, and practices what she thinks would be cool.† After a few of what would be increasingly embarrassing poses if anyone saw her, from above:)

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

HEY.† (KELLY is startled, but doesnít locate the voice yet.) Matches might help if youíre going to smoke that.† (Now she see her.)† But Iím not sure a match is going to give you what youíre looking for.

KELLY:

(Aside.)† Great.† Now not only do people think Iím a smoker, people think I am a freak trying to look cool.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Well, thatís what youíre doing, arenít you?

KELLY:

Excuse me?†


INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

What you just said -- youíre smoking to look cool.

KELLY:

Who are you?

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Someone who knows better.

KELLY:

Great -- a know it all -- just what I was looking for.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

I donít know it all, but I know what I need to know about cigarettes and nicotine.

KELLY:

Look, I can make my own decisions.† One of the best ways to get me to do something is to tell me what not to do.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

But of course! -- (She doesnít say anything but looks pointedly at the cigarette.)

KELLY:

If youíre going to try and peer pressure me into not smoking, isnít that just as bad as peer pressuring me into smoking?

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Girl, youíve got some strange logic -- if I was going to try and pressure you to jump off a bridge, isnít that different from trying to talk you into NOT jumping?†† Itís time you became an "Intelligent Observer."

KELLY:

Is that who or what you think you are, an "Intelligent Observer"?

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

(Very cheery!)† But of course!† Thatís my name; donít wear it out!† Now, what you need is some perspective on cigarettes, a look at the big picture.† Come up here and get a seat.† (KELLY doesnít know how to get up there.)† Just put your butt in that crack there --

KELLY:

(KELLY backs in through the drop.† As she exits,† the MUSIC comes† up and the LAB RATS then come out with the flip chart and markers.† Funny walks, comedic routine to get the chart in place.)† Who are these people?

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

These people are great -- theyíre the Lab Rats.† Lab Rats are very smart -- and, sometimes highly entertaining!

 

(One the† flip chart one LAB RAT writes in the following, which is read by† a second, and then torn off and† taped up† by a third. It says:††

1 pack = $4.15
x 7 =† $29.05
x 52 = $1510.60

KELLY:

This isnít entertaining.† Itís just math.† (No response from IO who is very interested in what is happening).† Itís some basic multiplication.† I could do that when I was in 4th grade.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Yes!† But of course!† But what do the numbers mean? Thatís whatís interesting here.

 

(Maybe rearranging who does what, the same action as before on a second piece of paper.† It says:†

AVERAGE SMOKER= $700/YEAR
$700/ YEAR in a bank
@ 5% interest
over 20 yrs
= $25,003.47

†Then one LAB RAT pulls down a banner, a† long rolled up sheets of muslin, ,about three feet wide and 10 to 15 feet long, weighted at the bottom for ease in their unrolling.† She reads it while the other two nod and watch.† Before they exit, the flip chart gets put to the side of the stage.† Funny walks to exit, and the MUSIC goes out.)

BANNER ONE:†
$700 =
47 new CDs
673 2-ltr Sodas
14,000 minutes of long distance phone calls
70 trips to the movies, with popcorn
1,400 days of food for a hungry third world child

 

KELLY:

Okay.† Thatís a lot of money.† I get it, I get it, cigarettes cost lots of money.† But so does food.† And if itís my money, I can spend it however I like.†† Itís my choice --

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Eh-eh-eh -- breathe easy -- no oneís telling you what to do here!† Youíre just being an INTELLIGENT OBSERVER, remember!?†† Itís your choice!† But of --

KELLY:

Look -- would you stop saying "but of course!"

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

You said it first.

KELLY:

I know, but --

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

But what?

KELLY:

It sounds stupid.†

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Butts are stupid.

KELLY:

If you think about that sentence, "but of course," it sounds like "but of course, of course you should smoke."

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Itís more like the Butt Course.† I am giving you a course on butts -- and if you smoke butts, thereís only one course you can take:† smoke them and you get addicted.† Itís that simple.† Whatís not simple is learning how to say the names of the four thousand-plus chemicals that are added to cigarettes.†† Hereís where the Lab Rats get to be very entertaining.

(The MUSIC comes up, and out comes one LAB RAT.† The other two are handing out chemicals that the one lab rat tries to arrange neatly, but then is overwhelmed as more and more come out of the rat holes. More chemicals can be found on the internet if you need others or more.) ††

Nicotine poison  
Arsenic rat poison  
Hydrogen cyanide

gas chamber gas

 

 
  Ammonia toilet cleaner
  Cadium batteries
  Carbon monoxide

car exhaust

 

    Methane rocket fuel
    Butane lighter fluid
    Formaldehyde embalming fluid

(The one rat drops the first banner, and reads it, and the other two come out to their banners and read theirs one at a time.)

BANNER TWO:
4000
Chemicals
100
Cause Cancer
50
Cause Tumors
3
Radioactive
DEADLY?
NO SURPRISE!

BANNER THREE:
PROBLEMS
Death
Lung disease
Heart disease
Brain tumors
Cancers
Birth complications
Hormone/reproductive probs
Emphysema
Chronic bronchitis
Passive/second hand smoking
Medication probs
Digestion
Ear infections
Wrinkles
Snoring
Hoarseness (women symbol)0+
Facial hair (women symbol) 0+
You stink
$50 billion in health care costs

BANNER FOUR:
INGREDIENTS INCLUDE
Rat poison
Toilet cleaner
Batteries
Car exhaust
Rocket fuel
Lighter fluid
Embalming fluid
Paint stripper
Vinegar
Metal welding
Tear gas
Explosives
Pesticides
Alcohol
Sewer gas
Rubber
Candle wax
Tar

 

(At some point during the Lab Ratsí above section, KELLY and the INELLIGENT OBSERVER descend and are on stage level.)

KELLY:

Now wait -- why in the world would they put RAT POISON in a cigarette?† Toilet cleaner -- thatís ammonia, right?

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

RIGHT and formaldehyde -- thatís used to preserve dead people -- you know that frog you had to dissect in bio -- yeah -- thatís the same stuff!

KELLY:

Ew. (Sheís disgusted.) Okay -- so why?

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Why do you think?

KELLY:

I canít think of one good reason.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

They have good reasons -- just not good for you.

KELLY:

But donít tobacco companies know---yeah, okay, they must know, they put all that junk† in there.† But donít they care?

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

But of course they care!† They care about money. †They know itís bad, they know it hurts people -- but they get you hooked, and then -- then -- itís about THEM making a profit. You know, yachts and three houses and private jets cost a lot of money.


KELLY:

Well, who the heck is THEM?

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Donít you read the papers?† Big Tobacco, Baby, Big Tobacco -- and they know how to punch your buttons.† Any idea how much money they spend each year on advertising?† Five billion dollars.† They need new customers to replace those that quit -- or are dead.† You may think you arenít influenced by any of that advertising, but let me ask these people out there (She indicates the audience) how many brand names of cigarettes they can name -- donít worry -- theyíve been here all along -- itís a lot of people but they wonít hurtcha.† Keep count, Kelly.† (To the audience.)† OK!† How many brands do you know -- letís hear them!

(After getting a list of cigarette brands, IO says to Kelly -- )† Okay.†† How many names?

KELLY:

I got about _____.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

†Most people here arenít even old enough to buy them, and yet they know the names of all of them.† Now -- studio audience, on our quest to make Kelly here an INTELLIGENT OBSERVER, we need your help again, -- WHY do people smoke?†

(The lab rats come in and have some of the reasons written down on big Q- cards -- sexy, older, cool, friends, addicted, etc, that they flip and set down so it can be seen when someone says it -- or something close.† She solicits a list from the audience.† If an audience member says one that doesnít match ones already written, she instructs the RATS.† Or, the rats can all have markers and write them down on the sheet.)

One of you rats, write that one down, we didnít have that one.† (When this is all done:)

See!† Donít tell me that all the money tobacco companies spend trying to get us to start smoking isnít working.††† Itís working.† What they donít advertise is that within a week of smoking a few cigarettes a day, within a week, a young person can get addicted, and for some all it takes is one or two cigarettes.

KELLY:

One or two?† No way.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Yes way.† REALLY.† Clove cigarettes, chew, snuff -- itís all the same.

KELLY:

I-- I donít know what to say.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

(IO puts her arm around Kelly and looks off to the horizon.)† How about, "Tobacco Companies Are Using You" -- you could say that.† Okay, Lab Rats.† Show us what youíre really made of.† Tell us what itís really like to be hooked on nicotine.† (They step to the side.† Kelly can sit on the bench and watch, IO stands behind her.)

(Techno music. They drop the white lab coats and the glasses, and let down their hair.† Strike a pose!† Underneath they have funkadelic dance clothes on.† They start strong and cool -- the lines are divided up among them.† As the sequence progresses, they loose their composure, canít breathe so well, and just barely finish. THE INTELLIGENT OBSERVER may be the one to control the boom box music.† She has lines in between the RATSí statements, as indicated.† Itís broken up here so that the lines were shared, and the order of who speaks are consistent, but it can certainly be changed!)

1:† Weíre smart.
2:† Weíre sexy.
3:† And we always look like weíre having way more fun than you ever will.

(In unison) Weíre addicted to nicotine, and donít worry, what you donít know can hurt you

†1:† I smoke because it makes me look older
IO:†††††††††† You want to look older?† Well keep smoking -- it puts wrinkles on your face. Leather skin!

2:† I smoke because it definitely makes me look sexy, sophisticated.
IO:†††††††††† Yeah, if you call stinky hands, hair, clothes and breath sexy!† Sexy as a toilet!

3:† I thought it would help me loose weight.
IO:†††††††††† If youíre dead, it doesnít matter if youíre skinny.†††††††††

1:† Nicotine makes me drool.
2:† I get heartburn and diarrhea.
3:† My heart beats soooo fast.

1: †Iím irritable until Iíve had a cigarette.
2:† I canít concentrate.
3:† Or how it makes my hands shake.

(Unison) But the best part is

1:† You can kiss me -- I taste like an ashtray
2:† Mmmm -- you can smell it on my clothes
3:† And I feel so sick, when I try to quit

(Unison) Come on -- donít you want to

1:† Raise your cholesterol and clog your arteries?
2:† Have more blood clots?
3:† Make it harder for oxygen to get to your lungs--

1:† Muscles--
2:† Heart?

1:† Light up!
2:† Light up!†
3:† Light up --

(Unison) Remember,

1:† Weíre smart
2:† Weíre sexy
3:† And weíre definitely having more fun than you.

(Crazy dance sequence, the music ends and they are spent. These lines as they exit:)

!:† Okay.† I canít breathe.†

2:† Letís get out of here.

3:† I gotta get some air.†

KELLY:

You know they started out pretty good.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER

But of course!† The ugly stuff -- the cancer, the sores, the pain, the medical complications -- that doesnít come in Ďtil later.† Thereís a couple of people I want you to listen to for a minute -- thereís more to know.† (They sit aside.)

SHORT MONOLOGUE #1

THE ACTIVIST

Ooooh -- itís the anti-smoking geek!† Quick, everyone pull out your nicotine patches!† Youíll be put under arrest if you donít!

This is what I have to put up with.† Everyday.† My crime seems to be that I know a lot about tobacco and how bad it is for you and when someone in front of me has got a cigarette, I tell them what they need to know.

Why is it such a bad thing to not want people to kill themselves, and to tell the truth?† Why donít people understand?† Iíve got some friends who understand, but thereís a group of people who just donít get it.† Let me tell you a story.† Thereís this girl -- and -- one of her aunts fell asleep in bed with a cigarette, and not only burned down the house, but now both of her kids have burn scars all over their body from trying to get out the fire alive in the middle of the night.† And this girl Iím telling you about has a grandfather -- had a grandfather -- who died of lung cancer when the girl was only four, so she never even got to know him.† Her parents and brother all smoke like chimneys.†† But, of course, nobody seems to care about that.

So when some one comes by with a stupid remark like,† "Hey -- want a cigarette -- oooooh -- sorry, I forgot, you donít smoooooke," I just walk away.† How do you even begin to explain?† (She starts to walk away.)† Oh.† Yeah.† In case you were wondering, yes.† That "girl" is me.†

KELLY:

Iíd be angry, too.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Yeah, for sure.† People find her easy to dismiss, because sheís young and sheís never smoked.† But she knows what sheís talking about.† Wait til you hear this, though:

SHORT MONOLOGUE #2†

THE QUITTER

So how did I get to be a smoker?† It was easy.†† First, I had a cigarette.† Then, Iíd have a couple a day. But I wasnít addicted, I thought, because I didnít buy them.†† Then, I was smoking a pack a week -- and thatís when, you have to buy them or your friends really hate you.† Then, I was smoking a couple of packs a week.† Then, it was a pack a day.† And then, I realized I was smoking almost two packs a day.† My part time job just covers what I need for a week.† Sounds crazy, right, like how is that possible?† But getting hooked on cigarettes is the absolutely easiest thing I have ever done.†

But what I canít explain is how I feel when I smoke.† I remember one time, early on, I was mad at my mother.† I grabbed her cigarettes off the table, lit one up, breathed deep, let it out, and thought, I may have to live here but you canít tell me what to do.† The illusion was that I was in control.

And now.† Now I want to quit.† I want to but canít.† I read somewhere that heroin addicts say that itís actually easier to kick a heroin habit than a nicotine habit.† I guess they would know.† But I didnít believe it--if that were true, then why would nicotine be legal?† But it is true.†† Trying to quit is The Hardest thing I have ever done.† Ever.

The first time I tried to quit it lasted about an hour, when I met up with my friends.††† And one other time the headaches were so bad I was nauseous.† And another time I managed to not smoke for two days, but then exams came and I had to study but couldnít concentrate long enough to finish reading a sentence.† Itís never the right time.† And itís not like I enjoy it -- they taste gross, and I hate the fact that I used to be able to run three miles -- and now itís like I can run three steps.†

The last one I had was last night.† Iím going buggy.† But of course, this time I have two reasons to quit.† Myself.† I AM worth it.† And two, because -- .† Itís going to be a girl.† Sheís already changing my life.†† And sheís not even born yet.

KELLY:

For her sake, and the babyís, I hope she can do it.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

She knows whatís important.

KELLY:

(Sheís been fingering the cigarette that she stuffed in her pocket earlier.)† Iíve got something important to do.

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

Iíve got to get back to work.† Hey -- congratulations!† Youíre now an Intelligent Observer!† (She goes through the crack, Kelly exits SR.)

(TONI comes on from SR† looking for someone, checks her watch.† Sheís got a notebook and pencil out, a backpack on her shoulder.† INTELLIGENT OBSERVER sneaks up into her perch.† SELENA comes in SL.)

SELENA:

There you are.† Are you Toni?† Is this going to take very long? (Sheís come by Toni, and sits down on the bench, pulls out her cigarettes as though going to smoke, though the pack isnít visible to Toni.)

TONI:

No, Iíll be quick -- Iíve all of my questions written down here.

SELENA:

So whatís this little assignment about anyway?† All your sister would tell me is that I was supposed to be an expert in something.† Is this about how to have good self-esteem?† Or how to make a successful transition from middle school to high school?

TONI:

No, actually, itís about smoking.

SELENA:

I donít get it. (She drops the cigarettes back into her bag.)

TONI:

Smoking.† I needed to interview a teenage female smoker whoís smoked for three or more years and ask if sheíd be willing to participate --

SELENA:

Had I known that this is what you wanted to interview me about, I never would have agreed.

TONI:

Actually, my sister said you would say that.

SELENA:

Well if she knew what I would say, why didnít you just interview your sister?

TONI:

She doesnít smoke.

SELENA:

Well thatís inconvenient for you, because Iím out of here -- (She is on her way out SL.)

TONI:

How long have you been smoking?

SELENA:

I donít know, maybe four years, almost.

TONI:

Have you ever tried quitting?

SELENA:

Yeah, and I was about as successful as I am with quitting this interview.

TONI:

When you tried to quit, what made it not work?

SELENA:

(She gives in to the interview, goes back to the bench and sits.)† Friends, habit, routine.† Craving.† The craving makes you crazy.

TONI:

Okay, thank you, Selena.† It was nice to meet you.† (She walks away Left, putting her notebook in her bag.)

SELENA:

Thatís it?† Weíre done?

TONI:

Well thereís another part of the assignment -- but I dunno -- Itís too hard, really --

SELENA:

Whatís the big deal?† What question could be so hard?

TONI:

Well, itís not that itís a hard question, itís just that you arenít exactly cooperative, and for this next part I have to see if you would do something, and--

SELENA:

I think I can handle it.† What is it?

TONI:

Well, Iíve got this information here.† (She pulls out the quitting brochure, and flips through i., reading.)† Itís a short list -- it says:† Drink water, find new people to hang out with, find things to do with your hands.†† Exercise, eat carrot† and celery sticks, tell your friends and family and ask them to support you--

SELENA:

Whatís that list about?

TONI:

It takes a smoker an average of 7 times to quit smoking.† If you can quit once, you then know you can quit again.† And maybe that time it will be for longer.† And maybe the next time it will be for good.

SELENA:

That list is whatís supposed to help me quit?† Drink water?† Oh come on.† Iím not interested.† Sorry -- hope your little assignment isnít due tomorrow because youíre going to have to find someone else whoís got nothing better to do with their time than listen to this.†† Iím done here.†

TONI:

(TONI is leaving.† But first.) If you think you can be this way because Iím in middle school and youíre in high school, well thatís messed up.† If itís because you need a cigarette -- maybe it is time you were done.† Done with cigarettes, that is.†

(TONI leaves, but is careful to leave the pamphlet behind.† SELENA turns around finds it and is annoyed.† She starts looking for her cigarettes and only finds an empty pack, which she crushes and throws on the ground.† Sheís about to leave when KELLY comes in.)

KELLY:

Selena.† Wait up.† Iíve been looking for you.†

SELENA:

Oh, hi.† Were you late for work?

KELLY:

No, I actually donít work today -- Are you all right?† You look annoyed or angry or something.

SELENA:

Iím fine. I just need to get out of here.† I need to get some cigarettes.† (She turns to leave, then stops.)† You said you were looking for me -- what did you want?†

KELLY:

Well -- I just wanted to...um, see,† I donít really smoke.† And donít really ever want to.†† And I felt stupid so I said I did but now -- (Sheís fishing in her pocket.)† Oh.† Oh no.† I was going to return this to you, but -- I donít suppose we can fix that.† (The cigarette is all wrecked, visibly, and falls apart in SELENAís hand.† It is uncertain how SELENA is going to respond to this tense moment.)

SELENA:

You know, I think I need a drink of water.† Want to go to the deli with me? (She has started to leave so isnít facing KELLY for what follows.)

INTELLIGENT OBSERVER:

But of course!† (SELENA is startled with the sound, and looks quizzically at KELLY.)

KELLY:

(Clearing her throat, as if she had just said that.) †Um, excuse me.† But of course!† (On the way out she throws a look up to the INTELLIGENT OBSERVER.)

MUSIC UP FOR CURTAIN CALL.

 

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