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E-Pals Club *NEW!* |
Butt of Course By Cathy Plourde Commissioned by The Knox County Coalition Against Tobacco and Mainely Girls Copyright 2001 by Cathy PlourdePO Box 3853, Portland, ME 04104 Phone: 207-653-1756 Email: cathy.plourde@att.net
The first performance of Butt Of Course was held at the Camden Opera House, Camden, Maine March 9, 2001. It was featured at the Mainely Girls 8th Annual Conference: One Incredible Day!. The original cast included:
CHARACTERS (Note: This script is originally written to be performed by girls, but with the exception of Selena, the Activist and the Quitter, the roles could be played by either males or females with simple pronoun changes -- notice the gender neutral names.)
Set:
Props:
Music:
Backdrop: While this drawing isn’t exactly to scale, it should give an idea of what was envisioned. The top two flowers have open holes for their centers; the middle flower and the two dots are flaps that open for the lab rats to pass the giant cigarettes and to pop out for lines. The color pallette of the original drop, which, at this writing, is available for use (contact Mainely Girls, 69 Elm Street, Camden, ME 04843 megirls@midcoast.com 207-230-0170) was 60’s mod and fun: A bright orange background. Dots are purple sequined material. Center flower is magenta pink with a yellow multi center. The slit for entrances has a hot yellow drape sewn in. The stage right flower, with the open center, has a crazy multi pattern, and the stage left open center flower is a metallic liquid spring green color, with a yellow accent band. The height of the drop is about 10’ 6" and the width is about 15 ‘. There is a hem on the top for a pole or a rope to be inserted for hanging. At the bottom, it’s suggested a dowel or lathe be inserted for weight and for stability.
The four banners, which may also be available for use, are 10 to 15 feet long, depending on which one. Paper scrolls could be substituted. It made an impact on the audience to leave them hanging throughout, once unfurled. AUDIENCE
IN PLACE (The LAB RATS poke heads out of the flaps, one at a time. Their movements are herky-jerky, and silly. The two on the outside start passing giant cigarettes to the one in the middle. The MUSIC stops when they are done.) (SELENA enters from SR, looking in her bag for matches -- she’s got her pack of cigarettes in hand. She may need to sit to dig in the bag. KELLY walks by from SL, and SELENA calls out to her before she leaves the stage.) SELENA: Hey -- do you have a light? (KELLY is startled, just realizing she’s being talked to. She gets more awkward throughout, and can’t seem to regain her footing.) A match? Lighter? KELLY: Um, no, sorry -- I don’t -- SELENA: Hey you’re in my study hall, aren’t you? KELLY: Period three? -- yeah -- I -- SELENA: I’m Selena. KELLY: Right. I’m Kelly. SELENA: Hey, want a cigarette? (She is not being pushy, just friendly here. Quietly, the INTELLIGENT OBSEVER gets into her perch.) KELLY: Ah -- (Trying to play it cool.) SELENA: What’s the problem? KELLY: Nothing -- it’s just -- well, I am surprised that you are a smoker. SELENA: Why does it surprise you? -- (No words can come from Kelly.) You don’t smoke or something? KELLY: No, no, I do, it’s just, ah -- SELENA: Oh. Are you trying to quit -- ahhhhhh, fahgedahboudit---what’s the use, right?! KELLY: No, it’s just that I’m on my way to work --- and if I stop and smoke now, I’ll be late -- SELENA: Well here, take one with you. KELLY: No, that’s okay -- SELENA: Someday when I’m out, you can just owe me one. KELLY: Oh, yeah -- that would be great, because I am out, and since I’m late, I won’t have time to pick any up -- Thanks. (Has taken one.) SELENA: No problem. Well, I’ve got to run -- I’m going to be late, too. I promised my friend’s little sister that I would give an interview for some class project. KELLY: Right. Good luck. I hope it goes well. SELENA: I’m not sure what the interview is about, but it’s just a middle schooler -- I don’t think I’ll have a problem. KELLY: No, no, I didn’t think you’d have a problem -- interviews make me nervous is all. SELENA: I bet. See you in study hall. (She leaves.) KELLY: (Calling out as in a goodbye.) But of course! KELLY: "But of course!" What was that? I don’t think I’ve ever said "But of course" in my life. (Looks at the cigarette in her hand, looks to see anyone is around.) Now what? I don’t smoke. Why did I say I do? "I’m out and won’t have time to pick any up" -- what a crock. (She looks at it, smells it, thinks about it.) I could just smoke it to see what it’s like, you know -- It’s just one cigarette. It doesn’t look like it will kill me. (She puts it in her mouth, and practices what she thinks would be cool. After a few of what would be increasingly embarrassing poses if anyone saw her, from above:) INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: HEY. (KELLY is startled, but doesn’t locate the voice yet.) Matches might help if you’re going to smoke that. (Now she see her.) But I’m not sure a match is going to give you what you’re looking for. KELLY: (Aside.) Great. Now not only do people think I’m a smoker, people think I am a freak trying to look cool. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Well, that’s what you’re doing, aren’t you? KELLY: Excuse me? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: What you just said -- you’re smoking to look cool. KELLY: Who are you? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Someone who knows better. KELLY: Great -- a know it all -- just what I was looking for. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: I don’t know it all, but I know what I need to know about cigarettes and nicotine. KELLY: Look, I can make my own decisions. One of the best ways to get me to do something is to tell me what not to do. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: But of course! -- (She doesn’t say anything but looks pointedly at the cigarette.)
KELLY: If you’re going to try and peer pressure me into not smoking, isn’t that just as bad as peer pressuring me into smoking? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Girl, you’ve got some strange logic -- if I was going to try and pressure you to jump off a bridge, isn’t that different from trying to talk you into NOT jumping? It’s time you became an "Intelligent Observer." KELLY: Is that who or what you think you are, an "Intelligent Observer"? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: (Very cheery!) But of course! That’s my name; don’t wear it out! Now, what you need is some perspective on cigarettes, a look at the big picture. Come up here and get a seat. (KELLY doesn’t know how to get up there.) Just put your butt in that crack there -- KELLY: (KELLY backs in through the drop. As she exits, the MUSIC comes up and the LAB RATS then come out with the flip chart and markers. Funny walks, comedic routine to get the chart in place.) Who are these people? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: These people are great -- they’re the Lab Rats. Lab Rats are very smart -- and, sometimes highly entertaining!
KELLY: This isn’t entertaining. It’s just math. (No response from IO who is very interested in what is happening). It’s some basic multiplication. I could do that when I was in 4th grade. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Yes! But of course! But what do the numbers mean? That’s what’s interesting here.
KELLY: Okay. That’s a lot of money. I get it, I get it, cigarettes cost lots of money. But so does food. And if it’s my money, I can spend it however I like. It’s my choice -- INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Eh-eh-eh -- breathe easy -- no one’s telling you what to do here! You’re just being an INTELLIGENT OBSERVER, remember!? It’s your choice! But of -- KELLY: Look -- would you stop saying "but of course!" INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: You said it first. KELLY: I know, but -- INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: But what? KELLY: It sounds stupid. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Butts are stupid. KELLY: If you think about that sentence, "but of course," it sounds like "but of course, of course you should smoke." INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: It’s more like the Butt Course. I am giving you a course on butts -- and if you smoke butts, there’s only one course you can take: smoke them and you get addicted. It’s that simple. What’s not simple is learning how to say the names of the four thousand-plus chemicals that are added to cigarettes. Here’s where the Lab Rats get to be very entertaining. (The MUSIC comes up, and out comes one LAB RAT. The other two are handing out chemicals that the one lab rat tries to arrange neatly, but then is overwhelmed as more and more come out of the rat holes. More chemicals can be found on the internet if you need others or more.)
(The one rat drops the first banner, and reads it, and the other two come out to their banners and read theirs one at a time.) BANNER
TWO: BANNER
THREE: BANNER
FOUR:
KELLY: Now wait -- why in the world would they put RAT POISON in a cigarette? Toilet cleaner -- that’s ammonia, right? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: RIGHT and formaldehyde -- that’s used to preserve dead people -- you know that frog you had to dissect in bio -- yeah -- that’s the same stuff! KELLY: Ew. (She’s disgusted.) Okay -- so why? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Why do you think? KELLY: I can’t think of one good reason. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: They have good reasons -- just not good for you. KELLY: But don’t tobacco companies know---yeah, okay, they must know, they put all that junk in there. But don’t they care? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: But of course they care! They care about money. They know it’s bad, they know it hurts people -- but they get you hooked, and then -- then -- it’s about THEM making a profit. You know, yachts and three houses and private jets cost a lot of money. KELLY: Well, who the heck is THEM? INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Don’t you read the papers? Big Tobacco, Baby, Big Tobacco -- and they know how to punch your buttons. Any idea how much money they spend each year on advertising? Five billion dollars. They need new customers to replace those that quit -- or are dead. You may think you aren’t influenced by any of that advertising, but let me ask these people out there (She indicates the audience) how many brand names of cigarettes they can name -- don’t worry -- they’ve been here all along -- it’s a lot of people but they won’t hurtcha. Keep count, Kelly. (To the audience.) OK! How many brands do you know -- let’s hear them! (After getting a list of cigarette brands, IO says to Kelly -- ) Okay. How many names? KELLY: I got about _____. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Most people here aren’t even old enough to buy them, and yet they know the names of all of them. Now -- studio audience, on our quest to make Kelly here an INTELLIGENT OBSERVER, we need your help again, -- WHY do people smoke? (The lab rats come in and have some of the reasons written down on big Q- cards -- sexy, older, cool, friends, addicted, etc, that they flip and set down so it can be seen when someone says it -- or something close. She solicits a list from the audience. If an audience member says one that doesn’t match ones already written, she instructs the RATS. Or, the rats can all have markers and write them down on the sheet.) One of you rats, write that one down, we didn’t have that one. (When this is all done:) See! Don’t tell me that all the money tobacco companies spend trying to get us to start smoking isn’t working. It’s working. What they don’t advertise is that within a week of smoking a few cigarettes a day, within a week, a young person can get addicted, and for some all it takes is one or two cigarettes. KELLY: One or two? No way. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Yes way. REALLY. Clove cigarettes, chew, snuff -- it’s all the same. KELLY: I-- I don’t know what to say. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: (IO puts her arm around Kelly and looks off to the horizon.) How about, "Tobacco Companies Are Using You" -- you could say that. Okay, Lab Rats. Show us what you’re really made of. Tell us what it’s really like to be hooked on nicotine. (They step to the side. Kelly can sit on the bench and watch, IO stands behind her.) (Techno music. They drop the white lab coats and the glasses, and let down their hair. Strike a pose! Underneath they have funkadelic dance clothes on. They start strong and cool -- the lines are divided up among them. As the sequence progresses, they loose their composure, can’t breathe so well, and just barely finish. THE INTELLIGENT OBSERVER may be the one to control the boom box music. She has lines in between the RATS’ statements, as indicated. It’s broken up here so that the lines were shared, and the order of who speaks are consistent, but it can certainly be changed!) 1:
We’re smart. (In unison) We’re addicted to nicotine, and don’t worry, what you don’t know can hurt you 1:
I smoke because it makes me look older 2:
I smoke because it definitely makes me look sexy, sophisticated. 3:
I thought it would help me loose weight. 1:
Nicotine makes me drool. 1:
I’m irritable until I’ve had a cigarette. (Unison) But the best part is 1:
You can kiss me -- I taste like an ashtray (Unison) Come on -- don’t you want to 1:
Raise your cholesterol and clog your arteries? 1:
Muscles-- 1:
Light up! (Unison) Remember, 1:
We’re smart (Crazy dance sequence, the music ends and they are spent. These lines as they exit:) !: Okay. I can’t breathe. 2: Let’s get out of here. 3: I gotta get some air. KELLY: You know they started out pretty good. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER But of course! The ugly stuff -- the cancer, the sores, the pain, the medical complications -- that doesn’t come in ‘til later. There’s a couple of people I want you to listen to for a minute -- there’s more to know. (They sit aside.) SHORT MONOLOGUE #1 THE ACTIVIST Ooooh -- it’s the anti-smoking geek! Quick, everyone pull out your nicotine patches! You’ll be put under arrest if you don’t! This is what I have to put up with. Everyday. My crime seems to be that I know a lot about tobacco and how bad it is for you and when someone in front of me has got a cigarette, I tell them what they need to know. Why is it such a bad thing to not want people to kill themselves, and to tell the truth? Why don’t people understand? I’ve got some friends who understand, but there’s a group of people who just don’t get it. Let me tell you a story. There’s this girl -- and -- one of her aunts fell asleep in bed with a cigarette, and not only burned down the house, but now both of her kids have burn scars all over their body from trying to get out the fire alive in the middle of the night. And this girl I’m telling you about has a grandfather -- had a grandfather -- who died of lung cancer when the girl was only four, so she never even got to know him. Her parents and brother all smoke like chimneys. But, of course, nobody seems to care about that. So when some one comes by with a stupid remark like, "Hey -- want a cigarette -- oooooh -- sorry, I forgot, you don’t smoooooke," I just walk away. How do you even begin to explain? (She starts to walk away.) Oh. Yeah. In case you were wondering, yes. That "girl" is me. KELLY: I’d be angry, too. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: Yeah, for sure. People find her easy to dismiss, because she’s young and she’s never smoked. But she knows what she’s talking about. Wait til you hear this, though: SHORT MONOLOGUE #2 THE QUITTER So how did I get to be a smoker? It was easy. First, I had a cigarette. Then, I’d have a couple a day. But I wasn’t addicted, I thought, because I didn’t buy them. Then, I was smoking a pack a week -- and that’s when, you have to buy them or your friends really hate you. Then, I was smoking a couple of packs a week. Then, it was a pack a day. And then, I realized I was smoking almost two packs a day. My part time job just covers what I need for a week. Sounds crazy, right, like how is that possible? But getting hooked on cigarettes is the absolutely easiest thing I have ever done. But what I can’t explain is how I feel when I smoke. I remember one time, early on, I was mad at my mother. I grabbed her cigarettes off the table, lit one up, breathed deep, let it out, and thought, I may have to live here but you can’t tell me what to do. The illusion was that I was in control. And now. Now I want to quit. I want to but can’t. I read somewhere that heroin addicts say that it’s actually easier to kick a heroin habit than a nicotine habit. I guess they would know. But I didn’t believe it--if that were true, then why would nicotine be legal? But it is true. Trying to quit is The Hardest thing I have ever done. Ever. The first time I tried to quit it lasted about an hour, when I met up with my friends. And one other time the headaches were so bad I was nauseous. And another time I managed to not smoke for two days, but then exams came and I had to study but couldn’t concentrate long enough to finish reading a sentence. It’s never the right time. And it’s not like I enjoy it -- they taste gross, and I hate the fact that I used to be able to run three miles -- and now it’s like I can run three steps. The last one I had was last night. I’m going buggy. But of course, this time I have two reasons to quit. Myself. I AM worth it. And two, because -- . It’s going to be a girl. She’s already changing my life. And she’s not even born yet. KELLY: For her sake, and the baby’s, I hope she can do it. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: She knows what’s important. KELLY: (She’s been fingering the cigarette that she stuffed in her pocket earlier.) I’ve got something important to do. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: I’ve got to get back to work. Hey -- congratulations! You’re now an Intelligent Observer! (She goes through the crack, Kelly exits SR.) (TONI comes on from SR looking for someone, checks her watch. She’s got a notebook and pencil out, a backpack on her shoulder. INTELLIGENT OBSERVER sneaks up into her perch. SELENA comes in SL.) SELENA: There you are. Are you Toni? Is this going to take very long? (She’s come by Toni, and sits down on the bench, pulls out her cigarettes as though going to smoke, though the pack isn’t visible to Toni.) TONI: No, I’ll be quick -- I’ve all of my questions written down here. SELENA: So what’s this little assignment about anyway? All your sister would tell me is that I was supposed to be an expert in something. Is this about how to have good self-esteem? Or how to make a successful transition from middle school to high school? TONI: No, actually, it’s about smoking. SELENA: I don’t get it. (She drops the cigarettes back into her bag.) TONI: Smoking. I needed to interview a teenage female smoker who’s smoked for three or more years and ask if she’d be willing to participate -- SELENA: Had I known that this is what you wanted to interview me about, I never would have agreed. TONI: Actually, my sister said you would say that. SELENA: Well if she knew what I would say, why didn’t you just interview your sister? TONI: She doesn’t smoke. SELENA: Well that’s inconvenient for you, because I’m out of here -- (She is on her way out SL.) TONI: How long have you been smoking? SELENA: I don’t know, maybe four years, almost. TONI: Have you ever tried quitting? SELENA: Yeah, and I was about as successful as I am with quitting this interview. TONI: When you tried to quit, what made it not work? SELENA: (She gives in to the interview, goes back to the bench and sits.) Friends, habit, routine. Craving. The craving makes you crazy. TONI: Okay, thank you, Selena. It was nice to meet you. (She walks away Left, putting her notebook in her bag.) SELENA: That’s it? We’re done? TONI: Well there’s another part of the assignment -- but I dunno -- It’s too hard, really -- SELENA: What’s the big deal? What question could be so hard? TONI: Well, it’s not that it’s a hard question, it’s just that you aren’t exactly cooperative, and for this next part I have to see if you would do something, and-- SELENA: I think I can handle it. What is it? TONI: Well, I’ve got this information here. (She pulls out the quitting brochure, and flips through i., reading.) It’s a short list -- it says: Drink water, find new people to hang out with, find things to do with your hands. Exercise, eat carrot and celery sticks, tell your friends and family and ask them to support you-- SELENA: What’s that list about? TONI: It takes a smoker an average of 7 times to quit smoking. If you can quit once, you then know you can quit again. And maybe that time it will be for longer. And maybe the next time it will be for good. SELENA: That list is what’s supposed to help me quit? Drink water? Oh come on. I’m not interested. Sorry -- hope your little assignment isn’t due tomorrow because you’re going to have to find someone else who’s got nothing better to do with their time than listen to this. I’m done here. TONI: (TONI is leaving. But first.) If you think you can be this way because I’m in middle school and you’re in high school, well that’s messed up. If it’s because you need a cigarette -- maybe it is time you were done. Done with cigarettes, that is. (TONI leaves, but is careful to leave the pamphlet behind. SELENA turns around finds it and is annoyed. She starts looking for her cigarettes and only finds an empty pack, which she crushes and throws on the ground. She’s about to leave when KELLY comes in.) KELLY: Selena. Wait up. I’ve been looking for you. SELENA: Oh, hi. Were you late for work? KELLY: No, I actually don’t work today -- Are you all right? You look annoyed or angry or something. SELENA: I’m fine. I just need to get out of here. I need to get some cigarettes. (She turns to leave, then stops.) You said you were looking for me -- what did you want? KELLY: Well -- I just wanted to...um, see, I don’t really smoke. And don’t really ever want to. And I felt stupid so I said I did but now -- (She’s fishing in her pocket.) Oh. Oh no. I was going to return this to you, but -- I don’t suppose we can fix that. (The cigarette is all wrecked, visibly, and falls apart in SELENA’s hand. It is uncertain how SELENA is going to respond to this tense moment.) SELENA: You know, I think I need a drink of water. Want to go to the deli with me? (She has started to leave so isn’t facing KELLY for what follows.) INTELLIGENT OBSERVER: But of course! (SELENA is startled with the sound, and looks quizzically at KELLY.) KELLY: (Clearing her throat, as if she had just said that.) Um, excuse me. But of course! (On the way out she throws a look up to the INTELLIGENT OBSERVER.) MUSIC UP FOR CURTAIN CALL.
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