GruncAl's Wine Dictionary

SCAVANGER HUNT!
Check this page for updates -- when THE ANOREXIC FOOD WRITER is
released, I'll run a contest based on GruncAl's Wine Dictionary. The goal: find
at least five of his terms in the novel, then email me. You'll be entered in a
drawing to win ... well, you'll have to wait until tAFW is released to find out
what the grand prize will be! For updates, please join tAFW's newsletter group.

GRUNCAL'S WINE DICTIONARY
(Don't know who GruncAl is or why he has his own dictionary? Well, you'll have to read tAFC to find out!)

MORE WORDS WILL BE ADDED SOON OR EVENTUALLY OR WHATEVER,
SO CHECK BACK OFTEN!

Beveraging (um, pronounced just like it sounds, obviously) – Anticipating, contemplating, and finally ordering an
alcoholic beverage of your choice, preferably something over $12 (if a cocktail) or over $75 (if a bottle of wine). No beer
allowed while beveraging, unless perhaps it’s of the caliber of Sammy Smith or comparable (and even then, your act of
consumption cannot accurately, legitimately, honestly be considered true beveraging unless you’re dining with a very
permissive person
I’d love to try a $225 bottle of wine, but working with the tight magazine budget really doesn’t allow me to splurge too much when it
comes to beveraging.

Drunkitization (drunk-uh-tie-zation) – A three step process including:
•        Prioritization (pry-or-uh-tie-zation) -- When one has not yet, but definitely plans to, consume too much fermented
grape product
•        Sipandorguzzilization (sip-and-or-guzz-ul-lie-zation) -- The process of consuming too much fermented grape
product
•        Drunkitized (drunk-uh-tized) – When one has completed the process of consuming too much fermented grape
product and is now into the stage of euphoria, nausea, dizziness and/or foolishness
My drunkitization is complete. I think. I can’t quite remember, actually.

Earthitized (earth-uh-tized) – Of or having an earth essence, i.e. mushroom, rich soil, truffles, rain, and cider (think:
the apples that have fallen off the tree and are rotting on the ground, but don’t worry, they won’t be wasted, they’ll be picked
up by the grove owners and then pressed, squeezed, abused into a non-pasteurized beverage that has wine characteristics, or
rather wine has apple cider characteristics, whichever way you want to look at it; and cider is under the EARTHITIZED
definition versus the FRUITIZED definition due to its potentially prolonged contact with the ground)
This wine is so earthitized it reminds me of my childhood—scooping up handfuls of Paso Robles dirt and shoving it in my mouth.
The texture is different, though.

Fruitized (fruit-uh-tized) -- See the definition for EARTHITIZED but replace all the earthy words with fruity words (i.
e. mushroom becomes berry, rich soil becomes tree fruit, etc. See the connection?).
Swirl, sniff, sip . . . oh my, this Pinot is quite fruititized!

Posterizing (sound it out, peoples!) – Leaning against the wall (or your significant other) for sobriety support. Did you
really think you could partake of that entire magnum of Robert Mondavi Private Selection Pinor Noir and get away with it?
I’m not posterizing, how could you even suggest such a thing? I was merely leaning against you because I love you so very, very
much.” [insert kissy noises here]

Poundage (pound-idge) – No, this is not the number on the scale or the tightness of your jeans. Poundage is the term used
to describe your head after a night of too much red vino.
The poundage in my skull is flattening me, which means I’ll have to drink more wine to help bolster my tolerance capacity.

Puppyitized (pu-pee-uh-tized) – So extremely pitiful and helpless that even strangers are compelled to believe adoption
is an impending and dire need. Not necessarily a wine word, but a good word nevertheless.
Since I had no money forthcoming, I wilted my face into such a puppyitized expression that within mere minutes, three dudes
approached me to ask if they could buy me a glass of wine. I, of course, accepted all three offers, and chose only the best vintages

Snappish (snap-ish – uh, duh, that one is kinda obvious don’t you think?) – The attitude certain individuals may portray
(particularly those with ADHD who tend to perpetually have a moderate to high level of frustration) when they’ve consumed
too much from the vine (also applies to those who have consumed too much from the keag or the nasty ugly hard bottle).
His totally snappish attitude led me to huff my way to bed, although it has been stated by prominent couple experts and coattailing
Dr. Phil types that it is excessively unhealthy to go to bed angry. Whatever. I did anyway, and it felt lovely.

SCAVANGER HUNT!
Check this page for updates -- when THE ANOREXIC FOOD CRITIC is
released, I'll run a contest based on GruncAl's Wine Dictionary. The goal: find
at least five of his terms in the novel, then email me. You'll be entered in a
drawing to win ... well, you'll have to wait until tAFC is released to find out
what the grand prize will be, so remain patient and whatnot (I mean seriously, I don't even have a publishing contract yet, so you're really going to have to hold tight for a bit). For updates, please join tAFC's newsletter.

Get updates on tAFW (don't worry, it's strictly private!)