ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES


 GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
 The Tallahassee Bugle

 MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
 The Anchorage Alaska Times

 GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
 The New Haven Connecticut Register

 THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
 The Arkansas Plainsman

 CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
 Bangor Maine News

 STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
 The Washington Times

 CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
 The Bosnia Bugle

 LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
 Newsday

 ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
 San Antonio Rose

 PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
 Chicago Daily News

 TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
 The Miami Herald

 MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
 The New Haven Connecticut Register

 GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
 The Tallahassee Democrat

 WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?  ABSOLUTELY!
 The Houston Chronicle


Thanks Mike Avery 
---


                  EVEN MORE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES


 SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

 POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

 SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

 DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

 SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

 FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

 IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

 IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

 STUD TIRES OUT

 PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

 PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

 SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

 BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

 LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

 EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

 TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

 REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

 SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

 SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66

 ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

 PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

 MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

 JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

 STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

 TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

 TWO SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

 KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

 NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE

 DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN `84

 WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

 IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

 COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

 ENFIELDS COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

 RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE

 DEER KILL 17,000

 TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

 MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

 NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

 ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

 KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

 CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY

 ARSON SUSPECT IS HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE

 BRITISH UNION FINDS DWARFS IN SHORT SUPPLY

 BAN ON SOLICITING DEAD IN TROTWOOD

 LANSING RESIDENTS CAN DROP OFF TREES

 LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

 NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABIES

 MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARING

 DEAF COLLEGE OPENS DOORS TO HEARING

 AIR HEAD FIRED

 STEALS CLOCK, FACES TIME

 PROSECUTOR RELEASES PROBE INTO UNDERSHERIFF

 OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI

 BANK DRIVE-IN WINDOW BLOCKED BY BOARD

 HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

 SOME PIECES OF ROCK HUDSON SOLD AT AUCTION

 SEX EDUCATION DELAYED, TEACHERS REQUEST TRAINING

 INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES


Thanks CircleJoke