One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.
Don Carter, pro bowler

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.
Jimmy Demaret

My physchiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I
experience from time to time.
Bruce Lansky

Have you ever notices what golf spells backwards?
Al Bolska

We learn so many things from golf- how to suffer, for instance.
Bruce Lansky

If you drink don't drive.  Don't even putt.
Dean Martin

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
Buddy Hackett

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
Gerald Ford

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.  I did
it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
Bruce Lansky

If you don't succeed at first, don't despair.  Remember, it takes time to
learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime finding out
about the game before they give up
Stephen Baker

In golf I'm one under; one under a tree, one under a rock, and one
under a bush….
Gerry Cheevers

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't
see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot.
Don Herold

I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the
three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing.
1. Keep your head down
2. Follow through
3. Be born with money
P.J. O'Rourke

The more I practice, the luckier I get.
Gary Player

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing.
Now I go to the driving range to practice slicing without swearing.
Bruce Lansky

What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee.
Walter Hagen

You make a lot of money in this game.  Just ask my ex-wives.  Both of
them are so rich that neither of their husbands' work.
Lee Trevino

My ex-wife has never broken 150.  I wish she would stop telling
people I taught her how to play golf.
Bruce Lansky

A ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is
sand or water at the bottom.
Henry Beard

There is an old saying: If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and
cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot.
Sam Snead

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water
hold?
Bruce Lansky

Two balls in the water.  By God, I've got a good mind to jump in and
make it four!
Simon Hobday

Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the golf
course.
Billy Graham

Golf is a game of expletives not deleted.
Dr. Irving I. Gladstone

Follow-through:  The part of the swing that takes place after the ball
has been hit, but before the club has been thrown.
Henry Beard & Roy McKie

If you're going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you,
down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to
pick it up.
Tommy Bolt

I don't enjoy playing video golf because there is nothing to throw.
Paul Azinger

I may be the only golfer never to have broken a single putter; if you
don't count the one I twisted and threw into a bush.
Thomas Boswell

Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.
Peter Dobereiner

Never putt until the cup stops moving.
Bruce Lansky

By the time a man can afford to lose a golf ball, he can't hit it that far.
Lewis Grizzard

I don't think I'll live long enough to shoot my age.  I'm lucky to shoot
my weight.
Bruce Lansky

When you get up there in years, the fairways get longer and the holes
get smaller.
Bobby Locke

Any game where a man sixty can beat a man thirty ain't no game.
Burt Shotten

If it goes right, it's a slice.  If it goes left, it's a hook.  If it goes straight,
it's a miracle.
T-Shirt

What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down
where you can find it.
Lily Tomlin

In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold
up a one iron.  Not even God can hit a one iron.
Lee Trevino

I'm hitting the woods just great.  But I'm having a terrible time getting
out of them.
Harry Toscano

Gimme:  An agreement between two losers who can't putt.
Jim Bishop

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good unless you do it while
your opponent is teeing off.
Bruce Lansky

Go ahead and putt, you are not interrupting my conversation.
Robert E. Zorn

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more
cheaters than any other game.
Bruce Lansky

Golf is game in which you yell "fore", shoot six, and write down five.
Paul Harvey

There is no surer or more painful way to learn a rule than to be
penalized once for breaking it.
Tom Watson

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold
Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead.  The way I hit I'd rather play
in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.
Bruce Lansky

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating.  The other
20 percent lied.
Bruce Lansky

Vice President Spiro Agnew can't cheat on his score - because all you
have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.
Bob Hope

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game.  It is called
an eraser.
Arnold Palmer

You don't know what pressure is until you play for 5 bucks with only 2
bucks in your pocket.
Lee Trevino
Henry Beard

The main problem with keeping your eye on the ball is you have to
take your eye off your opponent.
Bruce Lansky

My worst day on the golf course still beats my best day in the office.
John Hallisey

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you
were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold,
you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.
Buddy Hackett

Someone once told me that there is more to like than gold.  I think it
was my ex-wife.
Bruce Lansky

A woman I know is engaged to a real golf nut.  They are supposed to
get married next Saturday…but only if it rains.
Cindy Garnerv

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